Regarding Being Better For You Now A Long Time Ago

I can still remember the feeling I had the first time I was in love with a girl who was really good. She was older that me; enough for it to make a difference at that young teen age of ours. She was a senior and I was a sophomore, so basically, it was never gonna happen with us.

But she was really nice to me. She took me to the movies on my birthday. We had a really great time. I really let myself love her, perhaps because I felt safe knowing that it really couldn't happen, but because I was so deeply smitten with this good girl, I started to imagine what a future with her would be like. It was kind of a mind-blowing experience. I tried to tell her this was happening at one point, and because I couldn't quite articulate it, the conversation just felt a little odd.

I think I understand better now what was happening in my mind. Because of the person that she was, I couldn't picture us together in the future without seeing myself as a better person as well. The most eye-opening part was that I really wanted to be that person. I wanted to be better, to be good. I wanted to be strong, and to be worthy of her. Just the idea of being in a real relationship with her, however far fetched, made me want to be better, and I found joy in the feeling that I could be. I could do it. I could change and be better.

You make me feel this way. You make me want to be strong. To look my demons in the face and deal with them because I know you are good and that our relationship is worth it.

I know it's hard to make the kind of sacrifices that bring us real and lasting improvement, in ourselves and in our relationship, but I'm strengthened by your love for me and patience with me. I still find joy in the thought that I can be better, and I love that our love is a motivator of that. I think it's a big part of the covenants we have made and try to keep. Truly, our redeemer, Jesus Christ, has the most power to help us become better than we are, so it's equally encouraging that His power is what gives our covenants their efficacy.

I'm rambling now. Like that day many years ago when I tried to explain what was happening to my swiftly blowing mind. It may take a few decades for me to figure out what's happening here and now with us and feel able to articulate it. Until then, know that I'm very deeply smitten with you, and glad that you make me want to be better.